Delayed recap of Game of Thrones is so delayed.

So this episode had no Bran and Rickon (Awww…) and no Joffrey (Awesome! I wouldn’t have the urge to punch the screen!). I love how the writers/creators of Game of Thrones somehow managed to juggle the many characters in the show and still retain continuity – something Glee needs to learn.

Anyway, onward and let’s do the walk of punishment (I am so funny, can’t you see?)

Riverrun

Robb Stark and Catelyn were in Riverrun for Catelyn’s father’s funeral. He was laid on a boat and drifted away on the river (I don’t actually know what the term for that is called but yeah). His son was supposed to shoot a fiery arrow over to the boat and set it on fire in respect but after three tries or so, to Robb’s amusement (I saw that smile, Robb, I saw it!), he was unsuccessful. Catelyn’s uncle took over and the boat finally caught fire.

After the funeral, Robb set up a meeting with his uncle and his granduncle (very confusing). His uncle was chided over his disobeying of Robb’s order to wait for Gregor Clegane (aka Tywin’s “mad dog”, I guess) to come to him. Robb wanted to draw Gregor to the West so he could trap him and kill him but instead, what he got was a mill (what do you do with a mill?) and two Lannisters who probably have no value to Robb, while Tywin Lannister has his two sisters (erm… just one because Arya is somewhere in the middle of the forest or something) and apart from that, they lost men from all of this, which is completely useless.

Talking about the two Lannisters who held no value to, well, Tywin Lannister, Robb’s wife attend to the injuries of the two boys held in a dungeon. One of the boys asked if it’s true that Robb could turn into a werewolf at night and eat people. Robb’s wife said no, he wouldn’t eat people, especially children unless it’s the full moon. Good one!

Meanwhile, Catelyn confided in her uncle of her worries for her two sons, Bran and Rickon, who are still missing and unknown of their whereabouts and whether they are alive. But he comforted her saying that Robb believed they are alive and so she should believe it too and be strong for them. Yes, Catelyn, they are alive. They should have owls here so that messages can be transmitted back and forth and not have one mother worry for their two sons, whom one of them is actually pretty powerful despite him being paralyzed from the waist down. And they have Jojen. No worries… right?

King’s Landing

Tywin held a meeting with the council, which Tyrion and Cersei joined. There were some shifting of chairs that was a little comical as Cersei and Tyrion fought for their father’s affections. Tywin demanded to know where Jaime is but Lord Varys didn’t know even though he’s the spymaster. Tywin apparently planned for Littlefinger to marry Lysa Arryn, who is Catelyn’s younger sister and the mother who still breastfeed her spoiled, bratty son who is more than able to walk by himself (that is still one disturbed mental image I am trying to get rid of right now). By getting Littlefinger to marry Lysa, Tywin is trying to get rid of some of Robb’s allies. Quite clever, I must say. With Littlefinger gone, the role of the Master of Coin is opened, which Tywin gave to Tyrion. 

Tyrion then took to the task to learn how to manage the finances, which he has no knowledge of. Tyrion also rewarded Podrick with three prostitutes because Podrick saved his life. While going over the books, Tyrion noticed that Littlefinger has borrowed lots of money from Tywin. This scene is quite hilarious because Bronn had no clue what this means. Tyrion then explained that if he loaned him money, he would have to return the money back with interest. Bronn then asked what if he doesn’t, to which Tyrion replied: “That’s why I don’t lend you money.” But that is far from Tyrion’s concern. He was worried because they apparently borrowed a lot of money too fro Iron Bank of Braavos. I didn’t know the Game of Thrones’ world has a bank. Well, now I know. If they didn’t repay the debt they owed, the Iron Bank will fund their enemies and they will somehow get their money back. 

Anyway, so Podrick came back from losing his virginity, so to speak and cue another hilarious scene. Podrick gave the money that Tyrion gave him to pay the prostitutes. Tyrion said that it’s more than what he gives him in a year. Bronn mentioned that Podrick’s a squire, he doesn’t pay him, to which Tyrion replied then that it’s definitely much more than what he gives him in a year. Podrick confessed to Tyrion that the prostitutes won’t take the money from him. Bronn wondered if the prostitutes wanted to curry favour from Tyrion as the new Master of Coin. Tyrion asked if he’s ever seen a prostitute who rejected money. Bronn asked Podrick what he told the prostitutes but Podrick said he didn’t say anything. Tyrion then asked what Podrick did to them to which he replied: “Lots of things”. Tyrion continued his proding and asked if the prostitutes seemed to like these things, which they did. Bronn said that prostitutes are paid to seem to like these things, only they weren’t paid, which Tyrion pointed out. So Bronn said that what Tyrion seemed to be saying is that the prostitutes seemed to like these things so much they gave their services to Podrick for free. Podrick smirked in reply. Tyrion then sat him down and asked for details, “copious details”. It’s so hilarious. Oh god!

Somewhere in Riverlands

Arya questioned why the leader of the Brotherhood without Banners took them in, if not as prisoners, to which the man said that they are guests and if she was to leave and wander the forest alone, it will not be safe as she’s a Stark.

Arya then confronted The Hound and asked if he remembered what happened when they were last there. Before The Hound could reply, he was taken away into a cart.

 

Hot Pie came out of the inn and told Arya and Gendry that he’s not coming with them as he’ll be working in the kitchens after the innkeeper told him he made delicious bread. Hot Pie gave Arya a bread shaped in a wolf, to Arya’s and Gendry’s amusement, but they went along with it. They said their goodbyes – Gendry awkwardly patted Hot Pie’s back and walked away, leaving Arya to say goodbye to Hot Pie. As she left, she told Hot Pie that the bread is really good. Awwww… so we won’t get to see Hot Pie anymore?

The Wall (or wherever)

Jon Snow and the wilding army found dead horses (ewwwww) where apparently, the seer said he saw “dead crows”. But there were no “dead crows”. There were decapitated horses (ewwww) and these horses, or what’s left of these horses, were laid in some kind of swirling shape. Jon Snow asked if there’s anyone who got away. The leader said it’s possible but they took a risk by fighting. He then told one of his men to climb the wall to fight the Night Watch with Jon Snow and 20 other men. If Jon Snow proves to be not useful, he can throw him off the wall. Oh dear.

 

The Night Watch, meanwhile, arrived to the village that they got to before they left to seek shelter. The man is such a douchebag that I think he’s second to Joffrey in my list of hated characters. The man ridiculed Sam so much that he left and saw a woman gave birth to a baby boy. I don’t know the significance of this scene, really. I don’t read the books so I have no idea, except the screaming of the woman while she gave birth is quite annoying.

North (I guess?)

Theon was let free by the cleaning boy that we met last episode and was told to ride east on a horse to where his sister will be waiting for him. Theon was grateful and would make him the Lord of the Iron Islands but the boy said they are not in Iron Islands. After riding all night, Theon was found by the men who captured him and I still don’t know who these men are. They caught up to him and one of them was going to rape him until he was shot in the back with an arrow. The other men were also quickly shot dead. We found out it was the cleaning boy who seems to be really good in archery. Once again, the cleaning boy saved Theon’s sorry ass! Seriously? Theon is that pathetic, I swear.

Dragonstone

Melisandre was leaving to god knows where, which she wouldn’t tell Stannis of because she didn’t know and go wherever the fire tells her to. Okayyyyy… Stannis accused her of abandoning him to which she denied. She believed that he’s going to be the King and she’s there to serve him. Stannis is having some mid-life crisis or something, saying that he knows that his enemies are laughing at him, thinking he’s defeated, and he needed them dead and for her to produce him another shadow demon that killed Renly. Damn you, Stannis! She refused but she mentioned that there is another way because there are others who carry his blood. I don’t know what this means. This Melisandre always confuses me with fire and whatnot. She’s pretty though and can I have her red robe?

Across the Narrow Sea

Daenerys walked along the Walk of Punishment with Jorah and Barristan. She gave water to one of the men who was crucified and dying under the hot sun but he refused his offer and asked her to let him die. Barristan advised her to leave the place and instead use free, loyal men instead of slaves. Jorah told Daenerys that if she wants to win the Iron Throne, she needs to get used to blood on her hands. She argued that it would be blood of her enemies and not innocence to which Jorah basically said it was impossible – “There’s a beast in every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand.” That’s a good quote right there.

Daenerys decided to buy 8,000 slave army plus the partly-trained ones but the slave owner said that she wouldn’t be able to afford it. So she made a deal with the owner to give him one of her dragons, against Jorah’s and Barristan’s advice, and she would also take the slave translator, Missandei. The owner agreed to the deal. After the deal was made, Daenerys chastised both Jorah and Barristan for going against her in front of others and ordered them not to do it again. Daenerys asked Missandei if she has any family that she could go to if she’s freed but she doesn’t. Daenerys asked if it’s true what the slave owner said of the slave army, to which Missandei agreed that the slave army will do what she orders. Daenerys then asked her if Missandei is worried if she would go hungry or even die since she’s basically being taken to war. Missandei replied that all men must die. But Daenerys replied: “But we are not men.” Oh you smart woman!

Somewhere in Riverlands

Jaime and Brienne was captured by the men that we saw last episode. They were brought to somewhere in the middle of the forest. During the journey, Jaime warned Brienne that she would be raped and he advised Brienne not to fight it because fighting it would make it worse. When Brienne asked what he would do if he’s in her situation, he replied that he would make them kill him.

In the middle of the forest, Jaime was proven to be right when the men took Brienne to rape her. But when Brienne tried to fight them, she was beaten. She was then brought over to a tent. Jaime, who heard her screams, told the leader of the group that she’s Brienne of Tarth and Tarth is rich with sapphires. She would be of more value if she’s returned unharmed and her honor in place. I wonder if Jaime had some sort of feelings for Brienne or at least care for her because he seems to. If he wasn’t, he would just get her raped by the men and be done with it but no, he tried to rescue her.

Anyway, so she was released unharmed but kept tied up to the tree. Seeing that he’s successful in convincing the man to release Brienne, he tried to secure his own release. If they release him to his father unharmed, they would get gold, lands, etc. He also said that even though it was admirable to fight for the North, they can’t win this war as King’s Landing has more men and gold and it was better to fight for the winning cause.

It seemed to have worked. Jaime asked for him to be released from his chains. The man then asked Jaime if he would like to have some food. They brought him by the fire and all. But it was all an act! They kicked him to the ground and held him to the table. And this would be one of the most shocking ending to an episode. The man then proceeded to cut off Jaime’s right hand. Oh. My. God. Well, at least there’s no blood spattering on the camera like a Spartacus episode would have. I wonder what will happen to Jaime now.

So, that’s my delayed recap of Game of Thrones. Hope you like my new way of writing the recap for this show. It has so many characters and places that I felt my last recap was a little bit on the messy side so I decided to be a little bit more organized.